Wednesday, December 30, 2009


All i've ever wanted is someone i could talk to without having to really say anything at all. That's it. I never wanted you...

If i wanted to change myself, i would do it. And i would be happy, and you would be the same, and everything would be as it should be.

Too bad that nothing is ever as it should be.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

cigarettes & silhouettes


Sweet sweet sweet.
Mosquitoes follow you for all the sugar in your blood, the little bastards, it's mine all mine.
Still, nothing about you is sugar coated;
(you're everything impossible)
you smell like smoke and strawberries.

My blood is dull blue, too much sunshine in all these days, or maybe not enough.
Your sugar melts in my mouth like the light through the clouds.
(i'm cheezy and i love it)
and you love it, i can tell.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Such as the way of the world

Piles of new and old books, a possibly-demonic sewing machine, arts and crafts and hearts and wet paint, inspiration in the form of pictures, words and people, candles, lace, piano keys and skeleton keys; everything is pretty alright for now.

Current songs on repeat:
Train Song - Feist & Ben Gibbard
Acrobat - As Tall As Lions
I Always Knew - Tilly and the Wall
My Baby - Margot & the Nuclear So and So's

Thursday, December 24, 2009

I can't stay mad at you

You were on my mind at least nine tenths of yesterday.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Olden Notes

There will always be someone who will light up your eyes a little brighter than i ever will. You're fucking stubborn and won't change, you won't, but neither will I. We're holding onto eachother as tight as we can and we're crumbling. Always someone easier on your eyes. Always there is a reason that i will never be enough. This is not what love is but I will not fucking let you go. I will not fucking let you go because I Love You, and i'm covered in silver, shining gleaming silver, while i write these golden notes.


As Tall As Lions

Tonight, pretend you're an acrobat
And you're being thrown on top of the world
Do you still wish you were beautiful?
'Cause you will always be beautiful.

Tonight, pretend you're a cigarette
And you're being smoked by a picturesque girl.
Do you still wish you were beautiful?
You will always be beautiful.

You will, you will always be beautiful.

Octopus Vulgaris

I am beautiful.
I have three hearts and no backbone, I am smart, I am solitary.
My silence is powerful.
A sense of authority follows me, I'm not like you but I have your respect.
You eye me with caution.
I can see you sharp and clear, almost right through you.
I can lurk in the shadows and you will never see.
I have no home, I drift across the ocean floor
I've got intelligence, ugliness, strength, beauty.
I will know you.


I've got thin blood
But that doesn't make me scared to shed it.

I'll waste what I've got on you, while I still have faith in you
Will my crimson love be enough to change your mind?
I think you're the reason why I won't believe in God
This is no love story, but I have to make you mine.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Skinny Love

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Notes on the Walls

Random inspiring notes always help me...always.
Someone is sad too, or happy too, or bored too.
There's something about them.


It's Thursday night.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Pure white light

"You know, I never could have parted with you, sweetheart, if time and space were real. Or even, for me, if they seemed real.

Sometimes I don't know how you do it.

Guess I just wanted you to know how I feel, and to remind you that they're not real.

Happily for me, darling, you are still here, and it's as if you're still gently swinging in that big, tree swing you're so fond of. Barefoot toes reaching for the sky through dappled shade one moment, then tucked beneath you the next, as I stand ever-ready to give you the occasional push, whenever you holler out, 'higher.'"

     The Universe

i'll go as far as these crooked legs take me.

never underestimate the power of positive thinking.

If you want to take charge of your life, you will. Do whatever you need to do, don't procrastinate, don't make excuses...anyone can make babysteps. Anyone can move a mountain over time.

I'll just keep telling myself that...



Society, you're a crazy breed.
I hope you're not lonely, without me.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

uncovering old diaries.

You kill me everyday
Hurt me over and over
Until I am falling water
Down through the sky,
Slicing it to pieces. 

I wrote that about my best friend in seventh grade.

The Purple Bottle - Animal Collective

Keep an open mind.

I've got a bigbigbigbig heartbeat, yeah
I think you are the sweetest thing
I wear a coat of feelings and they are loud
I've been having good days
Think we are the right age
To start our own peculiar ways
With good friendly homes?

You get me freaked freaked freaked on preakness
Never met a girl that likes to drink with horses
Knows her chinese ballet
Must admit you smell like fruity nuts and good grains
When you show my purple gaze
A thing or two at night.

Make me sick sick sick to kiss you and I think that I would vomit
But I'll do that on Mondays I don't have a work way
I like it when I bump you an accident's a truth gate
I'm humbled in your pretty lense
I'll hold you don't you go
Sometimes you're quiet and sometimes I'm quiet. Hallelujah!
Sometimes I'm talkative and sometimes you're not talkative, I know....

Well I'd like to spread your perfume around the old apartment
Could we live together and agree on the same wares?
A trapeze is a bird cage even if its empty and defintintely fits the room
And we would too.

And my dear dear dear khalana
I talk too much about you
Their ears are getting tired of me singing all the night through
Lets just talk together
You and me and me and you
And if theres nothing much to say
Well, silence is a bore

Sometimes you're quiet and sometimes I'm quiet, hallelujah
Sometimes I'm talkative and sometimes you're not talkative i know....
Sometimes you hear me when others they can't hear me. Hallelujah!
Sometimes I'm naked and thank god Sometimes you're naked. Well, hello.....

Can I tell you that you are the purple in me?
Can I call you just to hear you, would you care?
When I saw you put your purple finger on me
There's a feelin' in your bottle
Found your bottle, found your heart
Gives a feeling from your bottled little part

Gotta crush high
Thought I crushed all I could
Crushed all I can then I touched your hand
Crush high
Dont want it to stop
Cause stories of your brother make my crush high pop
And you couldnt really know cause its in my toes
And sometimes I wonder whered that crush high go
Crush high then I go and take some pills
Cause I cant do all of my dos and still feel ill
You get that whoooooo.

To everyone their own.

Infinitely kind. All-knowing. All-loving. Distant as the furthest mote of dust in space, yet as near as the beating of your heart. Here and there, before and after, always and forever.

And whensoever you should call unto it, it answers you by name. 

Love, you couldn't be more important.

I mean it,
    The Universe

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Lessons learned in unexpected places are often the ones you remember.

"Well, that's the end of the film. Now, here's the meaning of life: Well, it's nothing very special. Uh, try and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now and then, get some walking in, and try and live together in peace and harmony with people of all creeds and nations." - Monty Python

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Honey and Blood.

Starshine, moonshine
Salty and deep,
Honey and blood,
Sharp and sweet.

Dark, sleepy blue
Monsters play with my toes
Pulling me under
Painting cracks in the sky.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

All you need.

Coldwater Eyes

Don't think that your sneaking around will go unnoticed -- you will almost always get caught. If it doesn't hurt you it will hurt someone else, it will always hurt someone else. Flash through the emotions you find when you run into something you were never ever meant to see, there's a lot, and it's too much to handle. It just turns into hurt. I know they say you're a heartbreaker but hear me out, honey--it will always hurt someone else.

Hear me out.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

The Meantime Boy.

He enters your living room without hesitation because he knows he’s always welcome there. You can never completely get angry with him because you’ll forgive him anyway (why expend the energy on that?) There’s no real pressure to look good for him, or to domesticate yourself, because hell, he probably cooks better than you do. you don’t get disappointed when he doesn’t open the door for you, or perform any of the perfunctory genteel mannerisms frequently assigned to a “gentleman” (ergo, a prospect). if he sees you as a buddy, then you really don’t quite see him as a “man”… much more the “gentle” kind.

But that doesn’t mean these signs of breeding are alien to him (it’s just that around you, he can slip up and live to see the next day). More often than not, he’s one of those dudes on top of the food chain. Why else wouldn’t you mind having him confused as a boyfriend? And the mere fact that he doesn’t mind (well, not really) being seen with you says he sees you being in that level too - especially if he has to contend with the are-you-guys-together interrogation as well.

And admit it, the pestering questions from well-meaning people are well-founded. You’ve both acquired the mannerisms of an old couple - there are no awkward silences, no trite comments, no hesitations. Physical intimacy can stretch from holding hands to cross the street to a prolonged embrace when one of you feels bad. It’s true, you’re around each other when life’s vicissitudes erupt. He’ll be the first person at your doorstep, maybe even getting there before you do, because you told him you were just fine (wonderful, could’t be better) - and he recognized the devastation in your voice . And you, you don’t even need to say how proud you are of him (how awkward can that be!)- you knew, you believed in him way before he did.

Where your relationship is is where other couple’s relationships should be - given fifteen years or so. Only you’ve had this chemistry too soon, way before either one of you will ever recognize just how irreplaceable it is. It was never the result of time, negotiation or compromise. It’s just one of those things that came too easily, so naturally it’s laughable to call it precious (it’s so many other things - just NOT that word). It’s like telling a piano prodigy to practice when he can play Mozart’s Symphony in E Minor after one listening. Just plain absurd.

But admit it, being around this Meantime Boy has given you an inkling of what it would feel like to be with The One. What you feel when you’re with him - how secure, how profound or how silly you both can be - these are the stuff you need in lifelong commitments! Think about it. He’s probably seen you sweat it out on the track (thus disproving the myth that girls don’t sweat), just as much as you’ve seen him develop one too many love handles. Not even for charity will you ever HAVE TO take it easy on him in the court. He’s had one too many fashion faux pas for his own good, mispronounced so many words you’ve lost count and he probably farts in front of you. On the other hand, he’s seen you have bed head, trip on your feet, and cry like a baby when John Kofi gets the chair. Almost perfect, isn’t it? Just add mad, incredible passion (the one missing ingredient) to this comfortable stew and you’ve got something so rare it will leave you breathless.

So the truth is Meantime Girl, there is a reason for this meantime-ness… and you better have the good sense to know it’s not to wait for him to snap out of his immaturity (or for you to make the first move-neva!). He’s your Meantime Boy because you need to learn from him what truly enabling relationships are - and not to confuse that with those that are disgustingly constricting. He’s around because you need to recognize the primacy of friendship (that’s why FRIEND is the bigger word in GIRLFRIEND). He’s there because you need to believe that you can be seen as a thinking human being - and not the commodity so closely associated with your gender.

The Meantime Boy grants you the liberty to love - because while he is an accommodating recipient of your affections, he silently gives way when someone else steps into your life. He gives you THAT look, the don’t-you-dare-fall-in-love-with-me Care Bear Stare whenever your get your ends all mixed up. Don’t despair and take heed: his very indifference is his gift to you.

By being oblivious to your adoration, he sets you free to be someone else’s forever. And when this man, this god, finally arrives to sweep you off your feet, he’ll marvel at the perfect jewel you are: how you never begrudge Sunday Night Football, how you confidently possess your own mind and project the very essence of graciousness. And why wouldn’t you be? You’ve had years of practice.


Sunday, November 8, 2009

this is a bad day from the eyes of the stars.

your eyes light up like stars in the city
it's beautiful 'til you realize it's just paint across a wall.
the stars are majestic like nothing else you've ever seen.
but you can't see them here.

there's just something about you that i need everyone to see.

Sleep Well

In through your window, the sky will fall;
You'll trap the stars in jars and line them along your walls. 

As the moonlight fills the veins beneath your skin,
You'll hear us knocking, oh, but you won't let us in.

Because you've got no friends,
And you've got no heartbeat.
Your insides are rotten now,
So there's nothing to fix.

You called me out; I shrugged you off.
I don't have the time to watch you bash in all their skulls.
'cause there's a new boss in town, his heart is black, but his hands can reach through anything.
Stick your head in the ground. You might just dodge the guns.

But I'm not your friend.
And I will not fix you.
My insides are hollow now
So you're all on your own.

Monsters - Electric President.
Amy Sol.

Monday, October 19, 2009

I don't understand.

I don't understand how you can sit there, just sit there, and not fall in love with this.
I am in love with this.

Who are you?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Anthems For a Seventeen Year-Old Girl

Used to be one of the rotten ones, and i liked you for that.
Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back. Can't you Come back?
Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that
Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.

Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under your breath.
Bleaching your teeth, smiling flash, talking trash, under my window.

Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.
Park that car, drop that phone, sleep on the floor, dream about me.

Park that car, drop that phone.
Dream about me.

Used to be one of the rotten ones and I liked you for that
Now you're all gone got your make-up on and you're not coming back.

Broken Social Scene.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Promise me she's not your world.

I'm the kind of person that builds a wall high and strong around myself, a wall you can't jump - I know what I believe in, i am fierce, I will not take your shit and I will not let you walk on me. There's a few cracks, but it will take a lot to knock this wall down. I'm proud of that. But we all have our faults...the wall that surrounds me, it has a window. And sometimes I leave it unlocked, a little too easy to get in...cause once you're in, you can destroy me from the inside out.

Once you sweet talk your way in through that little hole, once I open up to you and you're open to me, maybe I'll love you. I'll love you, and you'll love me...We'll sit and look out that window at the stars. But one thing here, the crucial thing: as long as I love you, you can destroy me. You can rip me to peices, drive me insane, kill me, kill me kill me. As long as I love you, you're in. But when you love me...I can do the same to you. But I won't.

That's the glory of true love. It's not kisses and hearts and happily ever afters Cinderella-style; it's the ability to completely destroy eachother. And having that ability, and not abusing it, and trusting the other person to keep you whole; please put that back where you found it you can look but don't touch don't get the window half stuck shut; it's that mutual, horrible power.

At least to me. I'm not sure what the moral of this story is. 

a⋅nal⋅o⋅gy [uh-nal-uh-jee]
a comparison of two things, one familiar, one less known, used to make the less known thing more understandable.

Saturday, October 10, 2009


the world is so dull in some places, so extraordinary in others--it just depends where you look.
i'm stuck in a gray spot, but one day i will be exactly where i want to be and exactly how i want to be, because who says i can't?
a lot of people, i bet.
that will not stop me.
i'm sure i'm not the only one.

I don't know who i am, but neither does anyone else.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Said list: Part I.

1. When someone walks out the door, you have to let them go. I've learned you can't change anyone's mind about this; you have to let them work it out in their own mind, let them get it, run it through again and again and again. This is their own problem, their decision to work out; chase them, they'll run faster. If you wait, you'll get tired. Leave the door open, and you'll get cold. I've learned that you just can't hurt yourself trying to fix someone else - you won't last long.

2. Do good, and people will talk. Do bad, and people will talk. They always will. And no matter what you do, there will be people that don't get it. There will always be people who say biased things, untrue things-even the ones you were closest to, the ones that you thought knew you so well. 98% of the time, these people will have either never med you, or are people from your past. The opinions of people you never med don't matter; that's a given, no matter if it's a child or the world. Those who are in your past...well, there's a reason for that. Talking just enforces  they should stay there.

3. You are only as good as your word. So is everyone else. I myself am a fan of "words will never hurt me." When used correctly, words are extremely powerful. If used correctly, words can destroy a person. Used incorrectly, words can make you look like an idiot. Think about this, and always think before you speak; words can get you anywhere you want-or dread-to be.

4. Know the difference between inspiration and immitation. Cross the line, and you can lose a lot - yourself included. Draw a think dark line in your mind and don't you dare step over it - catch yourself.

5. Put yourself before everyone, and put everyone before you. Help out the kid who dropped his books, hold open the door, don't cut in line, smile. You know. Save the animals, give blood. Stick up for your friends. But never, ever do anything for anyone else you don't want to - know your boundaries. Think about it, and be stubborn; let no one walk on you. You will regret it later, after you come to your senses. And  eventually, you will. If you're stressed, stop. Look at yourself - get rid of anything, anyone that slipped by you; and start fresh. Sometimes you will have to do that, exactly - it's hard, but when you know who you are, you're a magnet.

6. Believe in something. With no belief in anything, it gets tough, and you start to forget what you stand for. It can be energies. It can be karma. It can be God, or fortune cookies, or horoscopes, or aliens or your mom. Whatever it is, it will help you. Belief, Faith, it's important. Stay open minded.

7. Realize that everything has a consequense. Whether it be good or bad, it's there. Think of the butterfly effect...make big choices carefully, for it could completely change your life. But then again, don't stress too much over it. Spontaneity is just as important. Also, realize that you and only you are responsible for your actions - it's been repeated time and time again, but it needs to be said. When you're always pointing a finger, the people you're pointing at will take a step back. Soon enough, you'll be alone completely.

To be continued.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

we all have our vices.

i'm getting sicker and sicker, i can't concentrate on anything, i can't get work done, i feel so out of it...

i want to meet no one else, or everyone else in the world.
i haven't decided yet.

i'm in the process of writing a list of things i wish i knew when i was would have helped me so much. i'm going to mail it to my twelve year old cousin when i'm done with it, and with any luck, it will become her bible. with any luck, she'll be able to write one herself one day.

meanwhile though...i just hate everyone.

Saturday, October 3, 2009


Just because everything's changing doesn't mean it's never been this way before.

Lost Girls.

I had a dream once and everything was blue, i was walking through the early morning air and i didn't know where i was. I took a few steps and looked left, and in glowing movie-script letters a sign read You Are Not Lost You Are Here.

Halloween is by far my favorite holiday. Maybe it's a little absurd for me to be talking on the 3rd, but then again, i can't beat the department stores with the mistletoe out in mid-September. Everyone wants a chance to be someone they're not, if just for a night. If you could be anyone, who would you be? Maybe not a fairy princess or a pumpkin or a ninja, not me...but pulling on a mask for a while, it's what we wait for. That's the good part, forget the sugar and the pumpkins. I still don't know what i want to be for Halloween, who i want to be. I still don't know who i want to be.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

HIstory Repeating.

if everyone in the world understood eachother, life would be significantly less interesting.
i'll let you think you're in an exclusive little club and you know what's in my mind, but unless i tell you, you don't know what's up.
while you feel all high and mighty, it won't bug me, because you don't know my head. people that talk about me, or anyone, i'm just going to let you be...because the only reason you're doing it at all is because you are in my past, and there's a reason for that.

i guess i've learned once someone decides to walk out on you, you just gotta let them go. whatever you think you're doing, i hope it works. i'm moving on, and i need to remember that so many people forget how to use common sense, and what can i do?

I Always Knew

"I've lived my life inside daydream lies,
imaginary friends that always knew, knew, one day I'd leave, leave, for good.
I'll give away this girl who tried to make you fall in love, uh huh
I'll give her to, to, you so keep her close, close to you.
So you won't forget about how she loved you so long ago once upon a time.
Now she has grown, grown up, and you can't take, take it back

A lullaby won't change my mind, and I won't ever go back to that.
I will stay true, true to this belief that we've changed for the best through this.

Separate the ones who know you
from the ones who couldn't bother to see you for all that you are.
And deep down I always knew all the times I thought that I loved you,
it was just an easy answer, It was make believe,
but I still believe that this heart, heart will learn to love."
Tilly and the Wall.

One day, i will do this.