a poem paints one thousand pictures:

swollen fingers, eraser snakes,
sewing needles in my spine.
neon signs say i'm going nowhere,
everytime you sing you save my life.

bright white smiles with malicious intent,
leaving home in little girl's shoes,
scared of a touch, of a smirk, of a scent
i'm ripping off eyelashes in my sleep.

i lay down still, and i listen to
the vibrations in the earth,
the vibrations in my veins
figure eights like a hummingbird's wings
infinity, and so on, and so it goes.

small hearts drawn on skyscrapers,
invisible to sheep
we'd be living under a ferris wheel
until the earth
shakes
us free.

death should be far away from you
attatched to the skin of the earth
but doomsday's breathing down your neck
and you're floating, and i'm cursed.

you
are all
obsessed
with death.

peeling the skin off my eyelids
peeling the paint off the walls
lusterdust and moonlight legs
we're infinity, and so on, so it goes.

new english

"everyone around you is going through a transformation."
something is wrong with the universe tonight.


apathy, anonymity, hair dye, tough life
notes in in new english/free thinker, you're foolish
masks in makeup, hearts in your hands
empty ink lovers/ open wasteland.

exhaling the atmosphere
watching it rain from the floor
run away from this house and
i'm juvenile

"crushcrushlovelove
fuckthisfuckthis"
you have the worst morals i've ever seen
if you can even call them that

can't be that deep
you don't know everything
not with this new english you speak/
your vices embarrass me

smoking cigarrettes
under the banner of heaven
my whole life is satire
where is my transformation?

"There's a ghost in my lungs and it talks in my sleep."

exhibit a.
what are you supposed to do when you realize how small you are?
when i write down my dreams, they'll include a map of the world.
we love to know that we are not alone.
we read to know that we are not alone.
we fuck to know that we are not alone.

exhibit b.
when you say that you're bleeding on the inside, what do you think it means?
that you're hurt?
everybody's bloody on the inside.
all your heart does is bleed from the moment you were born.

exhibit c.


exhibit d.
where is my mind?

you are mistaken, my friend: you are indeed a king.

"see, it's people like you that make me believe in real love.
you get shit and shit and shit and shit and here you are,
lovin' again,
resilient as hell.
everytime i see that smile, i feel like a king just for knowing you.
you've been beaten, but you're not broke.
i see no pain in that smile of yours and i believe you,
i can't believe the shit you've gotten through but when you say that you're happy i believe it.
no one can really believe anything they're told,
but man oh man,
i could love you."

you told me this sitting on a beach so late at night that it was early,
but i admire you as a person in every way a person could be admired.
i think you might know this but i would never say it out loud.

i lost my journal so i'm posting fragments

 thank you for every time you ever fell in love.
it changed everything.

try me at two in the morning and maybe i'll do better
you know, only one person ever reads this blog.
i can't decide if i'd like to know who you are.

_____

honor among thieves is thicker than blood
that drips on her as she sleeps like she's in a coffin.

we're falling asleep at eight in the morning
i'll kiss every one of your ribs then i'll break them.

introvert

1. I've been sitting on my back porch watching the rain for an hour,
    red tea sweeter than any perfume.
    There are others home, but they're not listening,
    not looking up, not watching me.
    Glued to their screens like i'm glued to the sky,
    the clouds, rather, and i hear thunder.
    It takes me a very long time to realize i'm cold.


2. The windows behind me are dark but for the grayday light
    and the dim lights in the kitchen,
    where the dog sleeps on the wooden floor.
    Sometimes i want to live where it rains all day,
    where i can see nothing but trees, and the air is clean.
    Sometimes,
    but that's not where i am.
    The rain has let up and i go sit in my kitchen, alone and i write.

(it's been hard for me to write lately)

the coldest days are over.

the air was cool today,
not biting but smooth,
the kind of cold that makes you feel dreamy
in a bus with all the windows open
with your feet dangling and your eyes closed.

it's not uncomfortable but it's not spring yet either,
but we made it through the difficult days,
we made it past december.
i don't think you even know i'm watching you.

i want it to be the kind of air you can sleep in
outside on a blanket, in a tank top is all.
you will sleep like you've never slept before
in real real air. in oxygen.

and the clouds make it cool blue
as i fade in and out of dreamland
and our elbows touch sometimes
but i'm asleep

when i can't feel the weather anymore,
that's when i'll really smile.

memoir

soft clearwhite skin,
blackbead eyes
no match for a vulture eye
i used to scream in my sleep.

and i would lay my face on its skin
like it were mine
cling to the coldwhite fur
they would scream.

footsteps and i'd hide
i'm asleep but i can feel
the skin on my hands
like the skin down the hall

marble eyes watching
haunting my dreams
yellow teeth bared
and i'd scream.

bits of mind

summer rain
little footsteps
soft green light, soft grey light
look up into it
water hits skin
again and again and again and again
it's warm.

soft summer clothes
worn thin and so light
breeze shreds them to pieces
it's lighter now
hands hold hands
an eye for an eye
stuck in sand
the ocean, its' clear.

bare feet in dirt
dirt in forest
forest in the rain
forever and ever
smells of pine and clean air
wet air
stuck in the pores of your skin
miles and miles and miles and miles
away from home, or house
lips on lips
you inspire me
little noises
it's still raining
can't see the sun.

dirty sefoam hair
strong hands
the rain, the rain
green and the grey
you
happened
and the ocean was clear
and the birds were our friend
and the air and our skin were the same

six second stories

0. second period generic math class
thirty students ignoring math
everyone sits in the same generic room in matching desks
their worlds are as familiar as the galaxy.
i look around.

1. water like mirrors.
i'm supposed to see through you, why can't i see through you?
i swear i'm the queen of all things bad, or was
i'm supposed to frighten you, no one's listening...

2. We're important, our problems, they're important
we're royalty in our worlds, the guilded age of lunatics.
of course all of this has a meaning.
we'll sit in the dusty sunlight
we'll talk about it.

3. your words are sweet but they're rotting my teeth.
(don't lie to me)
i'm up past three and you're killkilling me
(i promise i love you)
(i promise)

4. the lines on your lips aren't impressing anyone
wipe the words off your face
wipe the stains off your cheeks.
you're lost but we're all lost,
no one cares about your problems, no one notices either.

5. i don't want to fight i don't want to fight just listen to me just let me talk this through hear my story, this isn't about your or me i'm just tired of dealing with everything i'm worn out i'm worn down and i'm crying but just listen to me, i have something to say, i have to say something and it's stuck in my mind i'm stuck in my own mind but that's the way it always will be here and i need to get out but i can't 'cause i'm stuck, i'm stuck, i'm stuck.

6. splitting headaches fixed with sugar lips
i'm happy all the time
my place is here and now
i'm home.

regret/neglect

i'm sorry.

///

i watched the stars go by last night,
the air was the same temperature as my blood.
are they lights in the dark, or holes in the sky?
just ignore science for the sake of yourself.

sometimes the worlds that aren't yours are forgotten
fearless flowers bloom into the sky,
whether you remember them or not,
if they're part of anybody's world.

i burnt my fingers and they don't feel like mine,
i'm tired and my thoughts aren't mine.
these fireworks are in the way of the stars,
fly to them, little hummingbird, fly.

8:37

And all I loved, I loved alone.

dawn breaks

lights, lights, lights
color, noise, people
runny smoke & carnival music

people, children, sad stories
a grandfather, drunken teenagers
tired mothers, tired children

beneath it, underneath it all
there is a love story.

it's his 6th birthday and he sees a little girl across the way,
through the throngs of smoking twenty-somethings and used car salesmen she sees him too.
she has curly hair and he likes it, he takes a few steps into the stream of dirty people.
but he is four feet tall and lost, soon he can't see her anymore.

he turns around and he is lost.
the rest of his life, he will stay lost.

light, light, light
dawn breaks.

the little girl waves goodbye, but he doesn't see.

Blood Red Roses,

Moonshine valentine.

I'm sitting in the back of a movie theater watching everyone fall in love,
The people in the seats in front of me, i mean,
And oh, it's such good acting.

I mean, I cry too

Even when the salt dries tight on my skin,
and i haven't slept in almost three days,
and gravity is suddenly worse than the weight of the world.

I only have four sleeping pills left.
Lay down with me.

You're a magician, and i can see the stars.
It's dark but the blue light of the sky is making your eyes shine,
my face shine.
It's cold but it's pretty when i can see my breath, i think.

I mean, that's how i'd like it to be,
but i'm just on my bedroom floor with a headache,
and you're at work where i can't talk to you.
I guess i'll just take off my jacket and drag myself to bed,
and i'll lay in a haze until my phone rings at 2:12 in the morning, and you,
you'll sing me to sleep.

12:29

i'm sitting in the corner of my bedroom underneath my desk, staring at my hands and it's uncomfortable.

"don't look at me like that."
inhale.
"like what?"
exhale.
"like you love me or something."
inhale. exhale. inhale.
"i do."
exhale.
silence.

i could write a book about you

/////

The blood that pumps through your veins is ice.

you can barely stand it yourself,
but your sunshine smile comes
and thaws your lungs.

sitting in the sunlight
eating plastic fruit
i guess this is youth
"i told you so." (your trademark line)

i'm so stubborn i have to laugh at myself.
you laugh too,
and your hands are warm.

Swallow

loudly.

awkward sounds and glances is all this is
i wish i had something to read.
stop looking at me, i'm new here.
i don't think i really like you, either.

but then some kid in the corner who's face i can't see is engrossed in his fingernails also, and i like him already
because he is not watching me, at least yet, and i guess from now on he'll be chronicled.

maybe all i'll want is you watching me...
say all i'll want five times fast.

you stare, but you smile.

9:47

I hate you.

you come back at me
over and over like
one of those horrid clown figures
up and up and up

I don't love you,
but something tells me if i did you would leave me alone.

I don't love you.
Someone tell me what i'm doing wrong

Something about goldfish

Last week my young cousin went to a carnival and returned with three goldfish. She loved them. She stayed up all night staring at them in their little glass vase because no one could find a clear bowl, and named them Appetizer, Entree, and Dessert, like small kids do.They died in order.

9:26

I used to be an insomniac, too.

I love watching when you walk into a room.

Sometimes when it's cold and crisp and clear outside, and i'm laying in my front yard drinking orange juice from a coffee mug with painted suns on it, I start thinking about that time when you walked across a flimsy wooden board to get to my bedroom window at midnight so you could calm me down after i'd been crying over spilled milk like i do, and i smile with all my teeth.

Anthem

Friday night became so lonely,
When you came to make a break,
That seemed to take all day to make me angry

'cause I like you, maybe I'm just like you
Holding on to something that we know we can not hold or fold

It seems it seems we just can't forget
Are you frightened, by perfection?
Is this who you are, not who you want to be?

I walk the line like Johnny Cash
I made the bus in seconds flat
I called your line too many times
I'm not obsessed, just impolite.

Sunday came and went so quickly
Now you say you want me back
You will hold on, despite my cons,
It seems we're meant to hate it,

Being so dependent.
But it seems we can believe that we're two peas in this pod
we call New York, gets so lonesome.
Are you frightened, by neglection?
Am I who you want to see yourself to be?

I walk the line like Johnny Cash
I made the bus in seconds flat
I called your line too many times
I'm not obsessed, just impolite

You're stuck on me, you don't know why
Can't leave me anytime you try
They say that everybody cries
So don't think twice 'cause it's alright.

Stay here,
Touching you, touching the light in your eyes
That keeps coming back.

My, my, my.

If I could laugh, cry, sleep, scream, and think rationally all at once, I would, and no one would ever see me again.

It's always ten degrees colder in my bedroom than in the rest of this fucking house and that makes me so mad sometimes,

just like how I wake up to the sunrise at 6AM when everything's glowing orange and it's beautiful, and I blink a few times and fall back asleep.

bittersweet cardboard love

i'm in pieces, but whatever, right?

I rant and I cry and then I try and make it up to you,

It's all I ever do, and I really never meant it anyways.

But usually I'm laughing and I'd like to keep it that way,

The sore cheeks and tummyache kind of smiles,

Hour after hour after hour, because of you.

I'm the queen of run on sentences and I love it, and I hate capitalizing the letter i and usually I don't but it's way too late to worry about that kind of stuff.

I'm actually very sure that you should be laying/lying sleeping next to me and I should be sleeping too, but you're not, so I'm going to go paint space and shake from the cold because I won't put a sweater on, because you keep telling me I should.

Sometimes things just aren't meant to flow and tonight is one of those nights.